I feel like I am moving in two directions at once. How can I return to a sense of wholeness?
I often experience myself divided, wanting to go in two directions at once. In Zen, this is a common opportunity to come more fully into a state of wholeness, into the experience of ourselves as Integrated Beings.
Working with Genpo Roshi I learned about how we can embody various aspects of the mind and speak from them. We worked archetypically, with the voice of “the controller,” “the protector,” and “the wounded child.” After exploration of the full range of my mind, we went on to explore various aspects of what he called “non-dual awareness.” After applying his tools to a state of complete despair I found myself in, I went from absolute resistance to absolute acceptance… in the span of a moment. Bursting into laughter I walked away from a codependent relationship with resolve and understanding in my heart. This felt like a unification of my being-ness. Also, I remember the culmination of his practice, which I have worked with many times, he calls forth the voice of the Free Functioning, fully Integrated Self. I remember working with this voice… also one of the most integrated experiences I can remember.