Lasting Love; what does it take?

This article was inspired by an inquiry from a client seeking a “love coach” to help her become proactive in creating a partnership.  It is designed for anyone interested in understanding what it takes to create lasting love.

Chances are, the reason that you are reading this is because you want to know what it will take to create or experience lasting love in your life.

To open this conversation up, lets look at a quote on the cover of Byron Katie’s new book, “I need your love, is that true?”

In Western society, mass marketing is inundating us with the message that who we are is not enough, that we need to get something outside of ourselves in order to be enough.  Conditioning that constant runs deep roots into our ways of being in the world, and it affects how we see ourselves, how we see our place in the world, and how we see relationship.

  • So, how is our current state of conditioning affecting how we see love?
  • How is it affecting how we see relationship?

Lets find out.

Here is a simple experiment.  Grab a piece of paper, and write the sentance love is… and then fill in the blank with the first answer that comes to mind.  Notice what is written on the paper.  Take a breath.

Write “relationships are…”  same story.  Notice what you see.  Take a breath.

Try, “when I have a wonderful relationship…”  “I will be…” or “life will be…”

Notice what you see. Our brains function by association, so what you see come out first is often a reflection of what our conditioning tells us.

Are you pleased with what you saw?  If you are like me, your not super excited about running those particular conditioned ways of seeing life for much longer.

No worries.  Our blueprints are easy to change.  Its fun even.

So take this understanding and consider these perspectives… we will come back to re-wiring our conditioning in a more in depth article.

Here is my response to the question of what it takes to experience lasting love.  This article was written on 8/22/08.

“In order to experience love that is lasting, we need to recognize the conditioning that we are holding around what love is and whether it can come from outside of ourselves. Through the dissolution of that which is not real, opportunities to open to the experience of authentic love become available to us.”

“This has been validated through my own experience many times, and I find it to be true for my clients as well.  As we remove that which stands in the way of our direct experience of truth, we gain the insights, awareness, and attunement necessary to be with the truth.”

“There are those individuals out there who are completely dissatisfied with their experience of love at present.  They see through the delusions of Hollywood love, the willingness to sacrifice oneself, the obsessive needing of the other in order to have meaning…  These individuals are far too bright to settle for that, and they are committed to discovering a new path, a new way of relating to love.”

“I want to work with those individuals to create that which we all know is possible.  There is no break between love and spiritual awareness… the are mutually reinforcing.  I am ready to journey with those specific individuals who want to explore this at its core.”

“Can the authentic experience of love come from outside of ourselves?”

“If an individual is interested in rooting him/herself deeply into awareness about whether that which he/she yearns for can come from external sources, and in attuning herself to the natural unfoldment of self care and self value that comes from this exploration and the insights available in it, then this is someone I want to meet.”

“The benefit of this approach is that there is less attachment, less clinging, less neediness, less contraction, and less fear in relating to the other.”

“On the up side, we are talking about a direct experience of freedom through partnership. Relationship as a spiritual path.”

“The reason individuals are so interested in this particular path to attracting partnership is because it is inherently effortless. Rather then reaching outside of ourselves to grasp at that which is not real in the first place, or sacrificing our authentic expression to impress others, we attune to and express that which is most alive in us.”

“Others are attracted to aliveness, to the radiance of spirit. We go to the places that inspire us, we spend time with the people that inspire us, we live the lives that express our most radiant expression, we surround ourselves with people of like mind, heart, and soul. And we relax into the unfoldment of that which sings to our soul.”

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To wrap things up, lets start the conversation here on where to go next.  If you are one of the individuals I am speaking about in this article, or if you know someone who fits that description, please make the connection.

As far as looking at what it takes to re-condition ourselves, you can learn about this through several articles I have written on this blog, and I will continue to expand on it.  I find awareness alone to be a central key to the puzzle.  \

The Enneagram is a wonderful tool for cultivating awareness of that which is not real, less related to conditioning and more related to the patterns that we interpret things through and how those create our filters and lens’s.  This article has an introduction to the Enneagram and an experiential exercise that can be used to unwind many conditioned patterns.

Byron Katies work is really effective at exploring this as well, and her book “I need your love, is that true” covers the unpacking of stagnant conditioning around love really well.  I will be my experience with her work more fully in future articles.


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This article was written by Jonathan Haber, B.A. Cmt
Jonathan studied Conscious Loving through Diana Chapman, through books by Gay and Kathleen Hendricks, and he integrated his study through practical application of the principles as a coach and as an individual interested in conscious relationship. Jonathan is a professional life coach and a workshop facilitator, and shares his life’s learnings through interactive and experiential learning.

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