6 Steps to Authentic Relating
To be authentic in relationship requires allowing ourselves to be seen, and promises deeper relationships, deeper connection, more closeness, more aliveness, more vigorous sexual vitality and a deeper sense of love.
And yet the statement “you cant love another fully until you love yourself” has some juice and relevance here. Its not true, BTW, in the sense that its a perspective, an interpretation…. but it reveals (like a photograph of a tree) PART of what is…
translated it also could be “you can only love another to the extent you love yourself”
BUT the opposite is equally true “you can only love yourself to the extent you are willing to express your love for others”…
SO, an even deeper, more revealing way of seeing this is… “your capacity to love another is liberated by your will to love yourself, and your capacity to love yourself is liberated by your will to love another…”
Applied to self awareness, relationship and authenticity, the same notion applies… allowing yourself to be seen, felt, experienced allows you to fully see, feel and experience others…
All this said… heres what I have discovered it takes to cultivate authenticity, and in that transparency, in relationship to get at the riches of being seen, being felt, being experienced, getting that experience in relationship and harvesting the treasures contained therein…
(1) Be willing to know yourself
Cultivate awareness of your sensations, emotions, desires, impulses, and even your thoughts…
(2) Be willing to allow the views of others…
Reframe thoughts from true vs false to complementary… consider thoughts as perspectives… consider thoughts as lenses upon a tree… photographs even… which photo is the tree? Which one is right? Allow perspectives, thoughts, lens’s, opinions to be complementary, like photos of what is… each partially illuminating what is…
(3) Be willing to disclose your inner terrain…
allow others to know what you experience by learning to describe it, accessing language for describing it.. when you notice your thoughts… give priority to sharing your sensations, emotions, impulses, images that pop up in your mind… notice your thoughts… but allow these other aspects of your experience priority… test this… ask if your beloved feels closer, more connected, after you share a thought… and ask again after you disclose a description of your experience… of your sensations, emotions, etc… NOTICE what happens!!! Crucial.
(4) Ask about his/her inner terrain…
explore the intersection of your inner worlds… what does she/he feel when you share your feelings? What does she/he notice when you share your desires? And so on… this is the terrain of intersubjective awareness… and contains hidden riches regarding connection, closeness, etc.
(5) Allow for your curiosity
Get that your conclusions about what is actually shut down connection, and question your thoughts… hold them lightly… dont believe them… allow your assumptions to be the LEAST of your concerns… check them out, see if your right in what you IMAGINE is going on inside him/her… chances are you will discover your mind is not to be trusted… trouble here? Try Byron Katie’s work for more depth on this.
(6) support her curiosity
Seriously, curiosity is the terrain of radical openness of minds, and the space that opens hearts and allows for possibility… drop the assumptions you have, embrace the open capacity of your awareness.
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Conclusion… dont let relationship bog you down, let it lift you up. Life is short, lets live it fully. Allow yourself to be seen, allow deepening through your relationships, allow deeper connection, more closeness, more aliveness, more vigorous sexual vitality and a deeper sense of love… Explore authenticity, BUT remember to see what happens when you share your assumptions, because this is a landmine that often goes undernoticed.
This is an article in progress, please let us know what stands out to you, what your interested in learning more about, what resources and tools you use to explore these inquiries, and let us continue this discussion as a community. Lets let our connections together be our context for learning.
Jonathan Haber B.A. CMT
Resources for Embodied Transformative Inquiry
Video invitation into uThrive Coaching Method: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7lztHOaUtc
Guided practices, guided inquiry via video: http://www.youtube.com/integralpraxis
12 month course on Intersubjective Transformative Inquiry: https://coursecraft.net/courses/z9NwE
8 week course on music production: https://coursecraft.net/courses/z9NsX