Today I found myself up against a wall. This is a birds eye view of what led up to this dance with life today, how it rocked me, and what realizations came from it..
2 weeks ago I found myself in a transition on all fronts. Relationship, Work, Home… I was experiencing each of these areas of my life shifting. I made a decision to go with the flow, and to allow the time ahead to be an opportunity for deep listening, and following what wanted to happen, rather then what I wanted to have happen. The idea was to let go of my personal agenda and see what would unfold… to not initiate.
I found myself studying close to full time at a local bookstore… reading books like “the Sedona Method” and Byron Katie’s books, as well as books on Hakomi, Energy work, and other tools and processes for personal inquiry.
After doing a lot of personal work, and sharing with my friends what I had been up to, people started to ask me to share the tools I was learning with them. I spontaneously facilitated some “coaching sessions,” using brand new tools that had helped me to shift my mindset.
I remember the joy that I was sitting with. With no effort, life was working. I remember the feeling inside… looking out into the natural world in a car drive, completely at peace with myself. Falling asleep with my hand over my heart, feeling complete, for the first time I can remember.
After spending some time in Santa Cruz, where I had been living, I got news about my finances. I had miscalculated the amount of money coming in from my previous job, and I was about $1,200 short from making ends meet.
I quickly borrowed some cash, and things changed pretty quick for me. I knew that I would need to create a new income stream; whether it be a job or starting a business again. Since I was really enjoying sharing the tools that had provided me such peace of mind, I decided to give starting a coaching practice up again.
The question of whether coaching is a form of therapy comes up for a lot of people, and in my inner work I was working with re-making my “map of the world,” the way that I see things, the lens’s and filters through which I interpret my experiences.
After some reflection and a strong kick in the ass from a good friend, I decided to return to school and get my M.A. I started with the intention to apply for a Somatic Psyche Program, and then changed my focus to the Philosophy, Cosmology, and Consciousness Program. As you may have read from a previous blog, I rushed my application and did not get in. In the process of applying I had been staying at my folks residence in Livermore, CA, and I completed a practice of Appreciative Inquiry on the experience of not getting in. You can read about that here.
One of the realizations that I had was that I could use the experience of not getting into my college program as an opportunity to launch my coaching practice. I took out a copy of “Get Clients Now,” a 30 day guide to creating a client base, and started the business development process.
I studied intensively, narrowing down my target market, refining my niche, mapping out my daily actions, learning about what it takes to create an organized, effective, strategic map of personal actions for building a client base. Since my focus was on learning the systems that I would need to create new clients, I decided to focus on that niche for my coaching practice, teaching others that which I was learning and helping with motivation and emotional clearing as they moved in the direction that they set out for themselves.
About a week has passed since I started the program, and while a number of people have expressed an interest, there is not enough momentum in order to keep me moving in the direction that I was. The decision I made last night is to take the coaching practice to 2nd priority and to focus on getting a paid job somehow.
This is a difficult choice for me, as I have been learning so much about all aspects of internet business, business development, passive income streams, creating articles, making a blog and about my personal gifts and genius through the process.
Still, in making the decision to shift priorities until I have secured at least $1600/month in alternative income, a lot has changed.
Today, I found myself with an unexplainable pain in my neck, really intense shooting pain, and a knot in my shoulder. There was sensitivity and swelling starting at the knot and leading to my spine, and the shooting pain was definitely in my spine.
I asked myself again and again what my body wanted to communicate to me through this. I remember that anger is stored in the neck, and wondered what I could be angry about. I tried to work in my parents yard, helping out with the landscaping of the front, and after a couple of hours ran into a wall. I could not motivate myself to keep going, my neck was killing me, and I was unsure where to go from there.
In response to this, I took some time to myself, and called a volunteer facilitator from Byron Katie’s website. The facilitative process they operate with is called “the work.” “The work” is a series of 4 questions and whats called a turnaround. It is used with any belief that you have, to inquire into whether it is true. When I called the facilitator, I did not know what belief to look at, and shared a snapshot of my circumstances with her as context. I asked for her help in finding a core belief.
When she asked me what was the most stressful about my situation, It came up that I “needed to know what to do next.” We worked that belief through the system. I remember at each question having some really powerful emotional/energetic releases. Letting go.
It helped a lot, the pain in my shoulder is down to about 20%, and I feel very different. More open, more at peace, more sense of inner calmness.
What I have realized through the work that I did today is that the launching of my coaching practice afforded me a sense of security that must have covered up some of my work. Basically, by launching a coaching practice and being able to say “I am a coach.” I was claiming a specific image as who I am, and I was creating an experience where I knew what I was up to, and what was next. Because I was not ok with the possibility of being without direction, and because I had judgement of that possibility, the creation of my coaching practice, and its success, began to shift from inspiration to addiction.
Rather then unfolding as an expression of my personal commitment to truth, awakening, aliveness, freedom, and compassion, it became my work, something that needed to happen and be successful in order for myself to feel like I had a sense of personal value. In this way I created pressure for success and my efforts became less attuned to the possibility of being graceful and effortless.
Now, I am called, through these realizations, to step back into my personal practice as the foundation and root of creating a client base. I will do this by establishing an alternative income stream prior to giving my coaching practice development first priority.
I will allow my desire to develop my practice to be channeled into desire to work with and maintain a personal balance, an alignment between mind, body, and spirit.
And I will allow my authenticity and humility to come through my words and be seen by the world, because even as a coach, I am not perfect. I have the same challenges as each of you do.
- I crave security, buy into delusion, seek approval from others.
- I find myself wanting to control my circumstances, and through that contracting possibility and financial flow.
- I find myself wanting to control people, whether they love me, and all of the other circumstance of my life.
- I notice thoughts in my mind that make no sense, that contradict each other, that lead me in circles.
- And I fail in my commitment to see everything in life as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to awaken.
In all of this, I am given an opportunity to experience humility, honesty, authenticity, grace, self acceptance, love of myself for who I am, and the quality of nurturing that I have only tasted once or twice coming from myself.
I take these gifts, in this moment, and choose them fully. As my rewards for being alive. As treasures. I offer myself to you as well through these words. May my humble reflections serve you. May they illuminate something within you. May all of us continually come into realization, continually ask for help when it is time, continue to open to the learnings of life when we are ready.
And for you…
- What are you ready to learn today?
- What helps you feel secure, and who would you be without it?
- What glass ceiling have you installed for yourself… who wouldn’t you dare to be right now?
- And who would you dare to be? Stripped of all comfort and safety, releasing all desire for approval, letting go of wanting control of money or love and how they flow… who would you be after all has fallen away?
- And when will you choose to live that which you know you already are?
These questions will be posted separately as well. If you are feeling courageous, answer them and send us your response, or leave it as a comment.